Down in the mouth

I’m not one to toss the word 'hate' around in a frivolous manner. I strongly dislike a lot of things. I’m not fond of others. I would prefer almost anything else than to come right out and admit that there is anything I HATE.


Except for the dentist, of course.

In my estimation, a visit to the dentist ranks right up there with an appointment to get my hair cut or a fun-filled visit to my doctor to have a boil lanced. Naturally, a traumatic experience when I was a kid is what has led to this aversion. In the last fifteen years I can recall four occasions that have landed me in the torture chamber the dentist’s chair, and on three of those occasions I was in so much pain and distress that I went as a last resort. And then I resented the amount of money they charged to make me feel better.

This morning my husband is undergoing some pretty extensive dental surgery that will pretty much knock him out of commission for the next three or four days. As we got ready this morning, I could tell he was anxious about the whole thing. It’s rare for Scott to display signs of being nervous (unless I have something hot or sharp in my hand) about any situation, but I know he had a restless night of sleep, and I can kind of see it at work in him this morning. I’m hoping his dentist has a much steadier hand than either one of us today!

The Straight Dope claims that dentists, as well as other medical professionals, experience a much higher suicide rate than other professions. They are feared and hated and approached with a certain amount of apprehension and distrust by a great share of the general population. And by me. But, fortunately, not by my husband.

This week I’ve put together a movie list of the most painless dentistry I could find for your weekend entertainment. Well, painless for you, at least. The characters themselves might have another opinion altogether.

Have a happy and safe holiday weekend!

Ghost Town: When Bertram Pincus (Ricky Gervais), D.D.S. is discharged from the hospital after a routine procedure, he notices that he has a new ability: he can see dead people! Unfortunately, Bertram doesn’t want to see these spirits, and does his best to avoid them altogether. One ghost (Greg Kinnear) is very persistent, though, and has tasked Bertram with clearing his name with the wife (Tea Leoni) his sudden death left behind. This may be the toughest smile replacement this dentist will ever encounter. PG-13

Marathon Man: An inhuman Nazi war criminal (Laurence Olivier) demonstrates a flair for some extreme dentistry in his torture routines. His victim (Dustin Hoffman), however, just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, and will be happy to escape with his life. Rated R

Little Shop of Horrors: While Seymour (Rick Moranis) struggles with the ever-growing love triangle between him, the lovely Audrey and the man-eating plant named in her honor, a sadistic dentist (Steve Martin) finds his heart’s desire in a pain-loving patient (Bill Murray). Rated PG

Cast Away : FedEx executive Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) finds himself stranded on a deserted island when his plane goes down. In the Federal Express packages that have washed up on shore with him, he finds many items that serve as makeshift tools for the various tasks associated with his survival—including what it takes to eliminate the mother of all toothaches. Also stars Helen Hunt. Rated PG-13

Reign Over Me: Successful dentist Alan Johnson (Don Cheadle) searches out Charlie Fineman (Adam Sandler), an old college friend. Alan discovers that his friend has been living a lonely, delusional life since losing his wife and daughter in the 9/11 attacks. At the sake of the private practice he has lost control of and the marriage he doesn’t feel a part of, Alan sets out to rescue his friend from his sadness. He reaches a point, though, where he has to determine who is actually worse off—his friend, or himself. Rated R

feathermaye's Friday five appears weekly (and sometimes on Saturdays!) at Fabulously 40 & Beyond